Britney Siren's Blog

Forgive me for being way more candid than I have in the past. I've tried many gimmicks and things and I feel the most comfortable just being my old boring self. I'd like to share this experience since I think there's a belief that if we talk about things that aren't perfect, that this detracts or derails the good but I don't agree. I think all sides of the emotional spectrum should be looked at. If you ignore your darker emotions or experiences how can one analyze , learn from and grow.  Bad things are inevitable but how we handle these challenges is entirely up the the individual. I'm as wordy as ever... but I hope that this isn't too long for a generation of ADHD folks (srsly, cannot get behind vine... I wanna see a whole min of you doing something at least :P)


So I was walking the b/f to the bus stop. I had a ton of errands to run anyway and sometimes I like to spend a little more time with him before we go our separate ways, put on our masks and attempt to survive in this shit hole economy. As I'm saying good bye he walks away and I stand and watch (cause I am a bit like that mother who doesn't want to let their kid go to pre-school but also knows they're gonna be fine, inside telling myself to chillax) some homeless dude walks up to me with his hand out. I sorta smelled him first then saw hands and a sad face. My first reaction was to move away. I don't like people in my personal space especially without making themselves known. Been through too many things with people (once I had a homeless woman throw a punch at me as I was trying to get to my b/f's car leaving a friend's party, another time one hit on me and yelled at me/accusesed me of being self hating since I wouldn't go off with him cause ya know "if he were white, I'd be all on dat dick") 


B/f looks back with that protective stare and I just told him it's cool... just go to work. He calmed down and went his way. Meanwhile the homeless dude starts to attack me as if I did something to him. Apparently I need to get my hair like my b/f's (he's black and white, has curly hair) I'm nappy, I'm dark. *gasp* the homeless man just as dark and nappy headed and w/out a home. He was of course a Vietnam killer...  and yet I managed to be unscathed by the yipping of a poor broken down dog.


I did chime in a "get a home" yell back before going about my business. A few seconds later a white homeless man complimented my smile and I said thank you with a big smile and skipped away like an idiot.


The point of all this? I see pro-black things on tumblr and feel good memes about race relations and 1 liner's about cop violence. I'm at a point in my life where this propaganda BS isn't doing much for me anymore. I've lived a different life than these memes wanna throw around. Growing up in south central LA I got called darky, made fun of cause I didn't have the right clothing, the right hair, plus I had a lazy eye for a while so that was fun to deal with. Too skinny... too this or that.


The thing that will destroy american blacks (I don't mean actual african american's... who have a culture and history/language tying them together, traditions that are their own...strong family bonds etc...) is other blacks. I've met a few lame cops but mostly they leave me alone probably because I don't act like an idiot or bother people. I've had more people of my own race try to destroy my self esteem and who I am than any outside invader. I've yet to be assaulted by anyone outside of my race. Many of my black female friends often end up doing some phsycho shit w/out any real provocation (WHAT DOES HE MEAN YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!! WHY HE SAYIN THAT?!!!) 


I remember a time when I'd go to a goth or industrial event or even raves and I'd get really happy when I'd see another black person. Now a days I always have a bit of caution cause I don't know if the past will repeat itself. If this person will randomly attack me, try to use me in some scheme etc... I don't know if whatever race you are will get you the shittiest people of that race as they may feel you're more approachable. I just know that my own people have done the most damage to me emotionally and physically so... this whole let's get together and hold hands shit, I'm over it.


I do hope that for the kids growing up now that things will be different though I doubtful. They're being raised by the same self hating assholes I grew up with who will eat each other and anyone who dares to step outside of whatever stereotypical box they're to scared not to adhere to. A box created by the media. I mean look at how long it took for hip hop to become the garbage it is today. It used to be so positive... there's these little spurts of hope that are quickly trampled.


I hold hope that I am wrong... but I will continue to keep my guard up as I cannot afford to be torn down any longer.


I yearn for a day where I'm not told what I should and shouldn't be based on my color, where I'm not representing a mass group of disjointed schism filled folks who have no idea what direction to go in and not enough care to do something else. I just want to have the luxury of representing myself. That would be a really nice change of pace.